Having slept on it, I find myself a little perplexed. To write a blog, to keep a blog site surely implies readers, not just me the writer. But who and why? Am I really talking to myself, which is fairly boring, or does this technology have the potential to make a difference? reach someone? I used to keep a diary, talk to myself all the time. It was a good way to clear out bothersome if not downright upsetting thoughts and feelings. Really useful before gigs like Valentimes Day at David Jones. But I gave up diaries years ago. I haven't had time to record life, random thoughts. I've been Action Woman - someone should make one of those little plastic figures of her. (JF, you're so out of touch with things childish - they probably have!)

The idea for this site was mooted by friends because of the cancer thing. Well, let me not disappoint. I'll start with that and then see what happens.

(Are you all sitty cuftorbold on your botty? Then I'll begin. [Small Faces:Ogdens Nutgone Flake side 2])

September 14, 2007
I'm pretty sure this lump in my breast is one of those tiresome comings and goings a girl has to put up with. Although ... I am 58, and never had a mammo-thingo, so ... ho hum, best to check it out. This doctor agrees, and she also agrees with me that it's not terribly pronounced. But hey, get it checked out.

A week later, I call the local imaging company. The cost makes my hair stand on end. A week later I get around to calling Breastscreen and make an appointment at the Royal Women's clinic for 30th October early morning, as I can deviate from my normal V-line, metlink and tram journey to work, and easily get to work from where the Royal Women's is.

30th October, 2007
Hey! I never had a mammogram before because I heard it was so painful. I'm someone who screamed when I had an amniocentesis during my second pregnancy, and "everyone" is surprised. What's painful about a thin needle through your abdominal wall and into the uterus? Unsaid: no-one else complains, you're over-sensitive. So: if others complain about mammograms, I just know it'll be 90 million times worse for me. I'm braced for something worse than I can imagine. BUT IT DOESN'T HURT. Oh boy, sometimes life is absurd. (Sometimes?????)

19th December, 2007
My brother and kids have been here for 4 days from Western Australia for early Christmas family time, so I haven't had much time to think. But twice I do think: when will I hear back from Breastscreen? The literature says I'll get a note in the mail within 6 weeks. It's ... 7 weeks now? (counts back on calendar: yep). Ah well, no news is good news as the old saying goes. (Is it a wartime thing?)
Anyway, my annual leave week ends today. Back to work tomorrow, act like the centre manager as the real one is taking her leave. Courses coming up on 4 Jan, and FOUR of them in Feb, so we're pretty busy (more than usual).

Later ... Hello, my name's Sally, I'm a counsellor here at Western Breastscreen, the doctors would just like to see you again. Can you come tomorrow?
Not really, I've got to take over the running of our very busy office tomorrow. What did you say your name was?
Sally. The doctors would really like to see you. Tomorrow's our last day open for the year. We'll be closed until 10 Jan.
[Oh, good, that's after the course on 4 Jan, which is also my birthday, son coming for birthday lunch on the 5th, staff meetings to create a game for this quarter ... we're soooooo busy ...] 10th Jan would suit me fine. What time?
Are you sure you can't come tomorrow?
[crikey! no explanation as to the time it's taken to get back to me, and now she expects me to drop everything??? she must be kidding!] OK, I'll call my boss, see if it'll work.
{Boss and I agree, it's not good. We need to meet to handover. January's fine.}
It's not going to work tomorrow. 10th Jan please.
(sigh) Very well then. 8:30 am Thursday 10th January.
(irate) Look, if you said to me I'll die in the next few weeks if I don't come in, of course I'd drop everything!
(stiff) Well, of course I can't say that. It's just that the doctors are very keen to see you.
I see. OK, well, January's going to have to do. Thanks.

I put down the phone feeling upset and annoyed. I'm afraid. The fear stays with me, in the background, for two weeks. I talk to myself: very keen doesn't necessarily mean ... how dare she leave you worried over Christmas ... don't say anything, you'll only spoil the peaceful family time ... it doesn't mean anything ... in fact, it doesn't mean anything ... no point in worrying until you know something for sure ... blah blah blah. The voices of fear. Point the finger. Justify. Reassure. Imagine the worst. Fear, slitherng from cell to cell, leaving a droplet of poison in each one. Fear, always just out of sight, at the edge of vision. Until it has the power of a wave, breaking over your carefully constructed constraint. Usually in the dark, when no-one else can talk, interrupt, distract ... Fear as panic.

{Panic attacks on boats on rough water ... get out the rescue remedy, 4 drops under the tongue, close your eyes, breathe ... }

In bed, in the dark, no rescue remedy handy, just breathe ... breathe ... breathe ... this too will pass ... wait until you know what's so; begone, fear!

10th January, 2008
I've stopped worrying, but the lump is painful. (Doesn't that mean it can't be cancer? I'm sure I've heard or read that somewhere, sometime in the last 50 years!) Also, I've started checking in the mirror. When I lift my left arm, the nipple and aureola sort of flatten, or even: suck back in. That doesn't happen with my right side. (OK, so doesn't that mean the lump is cancer? I'm sure I've heard or read about that, somewhere, sometime in the last 50 years!) I bolster my confidence in a happy future by reminding myself that when the very large lump was removed from my right breast some 40 years ago, the doctors told me that was a good sign: a benign lump = a cancer-free future
:-) It was, after all, simply brought on by taking an early contraceptive pill with too-high hormone levels. Change your pill, no probs now. Or later. Thanks. (She skips into a bright unthreatened longlife story, to travel, love and find good people and work, happy forever after).

to be continued